by Miss Bliss

Dear Miss Bliss,

I don’t know if I would classify myself as bi. I don’t really know what my sexuality is. I am only 22 years old and have been in a serious relationship for the past three years. I knew I was attracted to girls before I met my current boyfriend. I’ve been lucky in the sense that I can talk to my man openly about my bisexual feelings and he understands. His only rule is that he be allowed to participate.

The only problem is I don’t want him to be there when I have my first experience with a girl. A lot of it is my own insecurity and the other part is I want to experience my first time without an audience.

She Should Have Taken the BusA year ago, I set out to find a girl to explore my curiosity with and – unbelievably – met someone through Craigslist and we really hit it off. When we finally met in person, I couldn’t believe my luck! Not only was she beautiful, we had so much in common, and there was never an awkward silence between the two of us. We knew right away that we could be great friends.

Towards the end of the date, things got very physical. Needless to say, there was a lot of alcohol involved and we weren’t very careful about what we were doing. We were hooking up in her car outside of my apartment and my boyfriend caught us in the act – naked and everything.

Before I continue, you should know that my boyfriend is a very stereotypical Latin man who is jealous, possessive, immature, but also loving and passionate, and he worships the ground I walk on. He was very hurt that I went out with a girl behind his back and it took a long time and a lot of apologizing to get him to forgive me. In the end, he told me that I could no longer see this girl or even talk to her. He even went as far as calling her and telling her to stay away from me. Of course, she got freaked out and we decided to cool it.

It’s been a year and I have not been able to forget her. The whole incident was devastating to me. Ever since then it’s been hard for me go out without my boyfriend without being grilled about the night extensively when I get home.

A lot of time has passed and my desire to be with a woman is overwhelming. I am constantly asking myself if I even want to be with a man at all. When we’re having sex I find myself fantasizing about being with a woman and that’s how I get off! I’ve tried to convince him to let me have a special “friend” on the side but he’s afraid I will leave him for her, so the same first rule applies: only if he’s involved. And I’m still not comfortable with that.

In a few weeks, I will be moving out of our apartment and I am hoping to use that new freedom to explore what it’s like to really be with a woman. I don’t know that it’s fair to stay in a relationship with him knowing that what I really want is a woman’s touch. However – and I know this sounds selfish – I am afraid to break up with him only to realize I can’t find a decent girl.

Can you give me some advice? Also, do you think what I’m doing is wrong?


Darling Caught Cheating,

It’s not often that I feel sorry for the jealous possessive boyfriend, but your letter has made it happen. It is also very rare that an Ask Miss Bliss letter makes me wonder if all of those negative stereotypes about bisexuals may just be true and accurate. Sweet girl, I know you are young, and I am so glad you wrote to me because you may never be a happy bisexual girl unless you make some changes in your behavior.


It is fine to be unsure if the labels bi, straight or gay are right for you. However, if you are calling yourself “curious” (and therefore, implying you are bisexual) when you are behaving badly (i.e., lying and cheating on your man) you are teaching him and your lover that bisexuals are liars and cheaters. Stop reinforcing the negative stereotypes we are trying to dismantle and get honest and open in your sexual behavior. There is no need to lie or cheat but you have to be strong to be ethical and honest. Know that the enemy is not your partner wanting to be involved – it is you for not being able to stick to the terms of your relationship!

Even though you know that your man is jealous and the two of you have agreed that you will not do anything with a girl “unless he is involved”, you still lie to him. You are not brave enough to break off the relationship to explore your “curiosity” on your own. Instead, you go behind his back on the Internet searching for girls, and even go on a date with a girl and get naked right in front of the apartment you share, and are still mad at him when he can no longer trust you. Do you see how you are reinforcing the negative stereotype that bisexuals cannot be trusted?

Lesbians have a right to be angry and/or suspicious when bisexual woman come on to them in bars because of “curious” girls like you, darling reader. Bi-women who are in serious relationships with men often believe that their man has no right to be jealous when they are with girls because “they wouldn’t leave him for a girl.” Many sincere, kind, sexy lesbians have been toyed around with lying curious-and-not-sure-if-they-are-bi girls who are cheating on men. I am sure your perfect girlfriend was “freaked out” when you’re man called her to tell her to stay away from you – but she was not just freaked out by him. She learned that you were lying to him and to her, and what girl would want to date someone like that? No wonder some lesbians want nothing to do with bi-girls; they have been burned by behavior similar to yours.

Darling girl, many bi-curious girls say that they want their first time with a girl NOT to involve their partner for two reasons: (1) it is much easier to hook up with a girl when no man is involved, and (2) they do not trust their man enough to share the experience with him. But here, again, is why this type of behavior reinforces negative stereotypes about bisexuals. First, it demonstrates that you do not want to enjoy a lover to DEEPEN your connection with your primary relationship. Second, if your man does not approve of you being alone with a girl for the first time, then anything behind his back is cheating. Just because she is a girl and you think you will not fall in love with her does not make it fair to lie and cheat. What you need to be working on is your relationship with your man. If he will not let you have lovers on the side and you will not include him, then you need to get a therapist and start couples therapy immediately. Or, it may be time to end the relationship because it is obvious you do not respect his needs or his feelings. Don’t reinforce the stereotype that bisexuals cannot have healthy long-term relationships; just get honest.

According to your letter, you have already had a “first time” with a girl in a car but you now want a second “first time” without your man’s involvement even though you KNOW it will hurt him terribly. In order to do this, you are going to move out of the apartment you share so you will have “easier access” to girls. Well, this is fine except for the fact that you are STILL planning on lying to him because you do not want to end the relationship out of fear of being alone. Darling, this reinforces the stereotype that bisexuals are selfish and only care about their own sexual desires and pleasures. By lying to your man, you are also setting up relationships with women that are based on lies. You WON’T find a healthy relationship with a woman until you are ready to date in an honest and respectful manner.

Darling Reader, there are so many amazing bisexual woman who are honest with themselves, their partners and their lovers. Their lives become happy and drama-free just by being ethical and responsible to the people they love. Be the Bi-Girl You Want to Meet and get honest. It just makes life better and easier.


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October 2, 2008 at 8:47 am

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Rev. PLURall February 18, 2008 at 2:07 pm

Bliss, your advice is always so on-point. I respect how you’re willing to set the example by being so honest with “Caught Cheating”.

My advice to her is to end all outside relationships at the moment in order to forge a healthy one with her Self. Only then, will she be able to have healthy relationships with others. I wish her luck, love, health and happiness!


Blue February 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm

Well said. . .to both you, Bliss, and to you Rev. Plurall.

If you feel you have to lie about it, then it’s cheating. Never do anything unless you are willing to own up to it. Once you have given up your integrity, you’d be amazed how long it takes and how much effort is involved in regaining it. Love, Light and Blessings to you, Caught. . .I wish the best for you.


Shannon Star February 18, 2008 at 2:08 pm

I am glad to say I am with a man who respects my decision to not be present if I decide to take a girlie home. All the other men in my past have always wanted to be present to keep and eye. As if they were my parental…
I was always creeped out by that.


Julie February 18, 2008 at 6:00 pm

oh, darling bliss, thank you for speaking out for all the righteous, caring, ethical, honest, & loving bi-women out there! i hear those negative stereotypes associated with bisexuality all too often, and they make me cringe!



Buuni Rose February 22, 2008 at 11:15 am

I love your advice on this one. It is such shame that girls like her, make it harder for bisexual women to be trusted. Cheating is so wrong and unnecessary, Some girls seem to not realize that men are just as easily hurt. If you choose to be in relationship that should be your priority, if you just want to mess around, just be single so you are not hurting anyone else by your exploring.


Jo January 21, 2010 at 5:26 am

I have a question.Why is it so hard to be with a man and want to be with a woman too?
I had 2 bad expierences with 2 bi women.One woman did something I’d rather not repeat,and the other thought I was going to hand my boyfriend and son over to her and move out of my own house,so she and my man my son and her daughter were going to be this happy little family,and I was going to stay on the side lines,even though my boyfriend saw right threw her ,and told her to get out and don’t come back around.With 2 bad expierences behind me how do I find another girl without the hidden agendas(by the way my boyfriend has no problem with me being bisexual)?


Cialis March 3, 2010 at 5:20 pm

5LxNf7 Thank you for the material. Do you mind if I posted it in her blog, of course, with reference to your site?


Miss Bliss Reply:

Feel free to repost it!


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