OUT WITH THE STRAIGHT FRIENDS

by Miss Bliss

“How’s your blog going?”

The question takes me off-guard. It is Saturday night and my man and I are out having drinks with his coworker, Maria, her fiancé and their friends, a lovely couple that just moved to L.A. from the east coast.

“It’s going great,” I say, while trying to remember what I told Maria the blog is about. Did I say it was a health and nutrition site? Or did I describe it as a sex blog with tips for women to improve their relationships?

“She has fans all around the country who invite her to brunch with them,” Maria says with a lovely smile.

So, Maria knows about the brunches. Maybe my man told her all about Bliss Warrior but forgot to tell me that she knows? Did I tell her at some work party when I had one too many cocktails in me? This is one of those awkward moments where being half-closeted becomes a problem.

“What is your blog about,” asks Maria’s blonde friend with a slight eastern European accent.

Since I cannot remember what story Maria was told about the blog, I decide to opt for honesty. I look at my man and he nods, letting me know he’s comfortable with my sharing the truth. “The blog is for bisexual women. There are so many bi-girls out there who feel alone or who don’t know any other bisexuals, so I created a blog to empower girls and show them how amazing our bi culture is.”

From the look on Maria’s face I can tell she is surprised. To cover her shock, I tell her man and her friends about the amazing bi-girls I have met around the country, the wonderful letters I receive, and the community site I’m building to bring together bi-women for friendship, conversation, support and fun.

The conversation stays on my blog for a few minutes, then turns back to rare films and under-appreciated big budget flops. Under the table, my man squeezes my hand. No one freaked out, got tense, or treated us any differently than before. Maria smiles at me and I know she is truly seeing me for the first time.


1. IT’S GOOD TO TELL PEOPLE YOU ARE BI BECAUSE IT CHALLENGES STEREOTYPES

Many bi-girls do not come out to their friends because they are afraid of their friends’ reactions. The side benefit of Bliss Warrior becoming a full-time job is it has forced me to come out to people I normally would not come out to. By coming out to more and more straight friends, I have discovered with delight that many are fascinated by the culture and find me more interesting because of my sexuality. If you do not know any bi-girls, imagine how it must be for your straight friends. By coming out to them, I am helping to dissolve negative stereotypes about bisexuals while reaffirming how proud I am to be who I am.

2. IF YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, MAKE SURE YOU’RE PARTNER IS ALRIGHT WITH YOU COMING OUT
If you are in a relationship with a man or a woman, it is important that you make sure it is okay with them if you come out to friends. In my story, Maria is not just a straight friend, but my husband’s coworker. It would have been unfair to come out to her if I did not check with him first. Even though many bisexuals are monogamous in their relationships, many heterosexuals will assume if you are a bi-girl, you and your man must be into group sex. This is why it is essential to put your partner’s comfort above your need to be “honest” or “out” at all times. The last thing I would ever want to do is set up a situation where my man’s working relationships were harmed or made awkward.

3. IT IS MUCH EASIER TO COME OUT TO STRAIGHT FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE A BI COMMUNITY
Since creating Bliss Warrior, I have met bi-women all over the country – some in person, some over the Internet – and I know I am a part of a wonderful, dynamic, strong, ethical community. Knowing there are other smart and committed bi-girls makes it easier to face down negative assumptions about bisexuals. Plus, if I am hurt by an insensitive comment, I now have a group of bi-friends who understand and can offer support. If you are thinking of coming out to your friends, I recommend you develop a few strong bi-friendships first. The friendships can be online and will offer you strength if your straight friends freak out.

4. USE DISCRETION WHEN YOU COME OUT TO STRAIGHT FRIENDS. SOME WILL BE FASCINATED WHILE OTHERS WILL NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT AT ALL.
I have met bi-women who are out to everyone they know and I applaud them. But for some of us, especially those of us who are in committed relationships with men, it is sometimes difficult to be out to our co-workers, relatives and straight friends. Bisexuality is tricky to many because it is not only threatening that you are “part gay” but it is also threatening because you may be “part non-monogamous” which is incredibly scary to some people. One bi-girl was forced out of her job after a coworker showed her myspace page to her boss. We cannot pretend that everyone will instantly applaud us for being out and bi. What we can do, is find the people we can tell, build a strong community so we can be more visible and better understood, and be good, ethical, honest people.

5. JUST BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU ARE BI DOES NOT MEAN THEY WANT TO HEAR ALL THE JUICY DETAILS
Your private sex life is not necessarily of interest to all people. Friday night, I was interviewed for a web-radio relationship show. The host was shocked that I was not out to my parents. I said to her, “I am in a committed long-term relationship to a man. To my parents we are a happy, relatively normal heterosexual couple. Both of our parents are very conservative when it comes to sex. I wouldn’t talk to them about the sex I have with my man, and they certainly don’t want to hear about it. So how would it benefit me if I told them I was bi?” When thinking about who to share the hot details of your latest threesome take a moment and ask yourself, “Does this person want to hear these details?” You may even ask them that directly before you launch into the fantastically naughty details. Just as you would be discrete about who you shared your anal sex adventures with, be discrete about your bi trysts. Or, even better, share them with a bi-girlfriend who will definitely understand and enjoy the conversation. The world is changing fast, and who knows? Soon, more of your straight friends might just ask you to tell them everything.

XOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
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IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY:
WHEN YOU’RE STRAIGHT FRIENDS FIND OUT
THE HETEROSEXUAL CLOAKING DEVICE
BOYFRIENDS WHO CAN’T HANDLE BI-GIRLS
BI FROM BIRTH? OR, MY BARBIE’S SEXUALLY DEVIANT
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BRUNCH WITH BLISS THIS SATURDAY IN WEST HOLLYWOOD!
WE HAVE OVER 15 BI-GIRLS COMING OUT TO BRUNCH THIS WEEKEND.
SOME ARE BRINGING PARTNERS, SOME ARE COMING WITH FRIENDS.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US?
E-MAIL CAMMIE ON MY TOP FRIENDS ON MYSPACE.COM/THEBLISSWARRIOR OR EMAIL ME AT BLISS@BLISSWARRIOR.COM FOR THE TIME AND LOCATION.
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TOMORROW:
OUR NEWEST GUEST BLOGGER, V., JOINS US FROM NEW YORK WITH THE FIRST CHAPTER OF A TRUE STORY: THEN THERE WERE TWO. MISS V. SHARES THE PASSIONATE STORY OF THE PERIOD OF HER LIFE WHEN SHE DATED A MAN WHILE DATING HIS FEMALE COLLEAGUE WITH HIS PERMISSION AND ENCOURAGEMENT. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THIS!
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{ 2 trackbacks }

Bliss Warrior » Blog Archive » WHEN YOUR GUY FRIENDS FIND OUT
September 15, 2008 at 2:57 pm
THE JOY OF THREE-WAY PHONE SEX
May 28, 2009 at 3:10 am

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Laura Jane Joy Warrior April 15, 2008 at 10:50 am

I ADORE YOU!!

Reply

Dani Girl April 15, 2008 at 10:51 am

I have never created or responded to a blog beautiful, but I HAD to respond to your bulletin and come here to your blog. You are simply AMAZING! My hat (and clothes) are off to you! It really does take so much to come out with simple honesty; and to have a wonderful partner who completely and whole heartedly supports you. I hope one day in my life…I will be rewarded for my differences with a partner who accepts me for me. Again…thank you so much for sharing beautiful!

Reply

Amanda April 15, 2008 at 10:51 am

Applause!

All your rules are perfect.

Reply

Kresta April 21, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this story and your ideas for how to be “out and bi” its so important to hear and remember.

*hugs*
K

Reply

danielle April 22, 2008 at 4:58 pm

how is the community building website coming? I haven’t gotten any follow-up emails about it.

I think your advice is golden. keep up the great work!

Reply

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