ASK MISS BLISS – MY GIRLFRIEND’S UNHAPPY WITHOUT A FEMALE LOVER

by Miss Bliss

Dear Miss Bliss,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now, but we have been friends for nine. Until we got together, she had only dated a few guys, the last of which, really hurt her. Not only in the sense of a broken heart, but he broke her jaw. Since him, she was only in female relationships.

I was away at college for most of this. When I moved back, I couldn’t find her. It wasn’t until about a year later that I found her on Myspace. We started talking again, and it turned out she was in the process of ending another relationship. After a few weeks of hanging out, she told me she had a crush on me and for quite some time. I wanted to cry I was so happy. I had a crush on her since I first met her. She had been coming to me for advice for years, and I just sat back and helped her the best I could. It was killing me the whole time, but I wanted to see her happy.

When we first started dating, everything was great. We spent all the time we could together. One night while we were talking, she told me that she missed being with other girls a little bit. Not the relationship part, but sexually. So we talked about it a bit, and she asked if it was okay if she had another girl join us from time to time. I told her that was fine with me, but I actually had some concerns about it. What if she found out she liked being with girls more than me? Or fell for someone else? But we had a few experiences and all went good. I felt a little left out at times, but not too much for me to handle. I still got to participate fully.

Now, here is the problem. The last time we had “company” was 6 months ago. She can find plenty of girls that want to play with her, just not with us. I told her that she could play without me around, just as long as I knew about it. She said that is cheating and she wouldn’t do it. So I asked her, what if I just sat in the room with them? Not to join, but just to make her feel like it wasn’t cheating. She’s not going for that idea either. This has been dragging on for months. And I’m really starting to feel like I’m inadvertently keeping her from a part of her life that is a part of her.

At first when she started mentioning the idea of having a girl join us again, it didn’t seem urgent at all. She put up one post on Craigslist, checked a few posts, and nothing really came from it. It was no big deal. But now she posts one or more things a week and checks Craigslist twice daily. I really think she is getting irritated that she can find several absolutely stunning women that want to be with her, just not me. I don’t believe our relationship is in danger, but I do think she is going through some kind of withdrawal. I know she won’t cheat, but I need to find a way to help her be happier.

Sincerely,
Boyfriend Battling her Blues

Dear Boyfriend,

First, let me say how lucky your girl is to have found a guy who is so supportive, caring and loving. She is truly blessed to have a boyfriend who understands her sexuality and trusts her enough to encourage her to continue exploring it.

Second, she seems like a really committed, loving and honest partner and friend. It is really good that she does not want to have lovers without you and wants to include you in all sexual adventures. This is a sign that your connection is her number one priority and that your relationship is strong and loving.

1. IF SHE CHOOSES TO HAVE A “CLOSED” RELATIONSHIP, DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE KEEPING HER FROM HAPPINESS

It is very normal for her to be uncomfortable with the idea of you watching her while not being allowed to participate. You are her primary partner and even though she still loves girls, the sexual tryst may feel “empty” if you are not fully involved because you have her heart. There are some bi-girls who like to play on their own, but many would not enjoy or even consider play without their primary partner. As your girl so clearly tells you, that would feel like cheating. Since you have offered to let her play outside of the relationship or just watch and she has said no, she decided your relationship will be “closed”. If she is unhappy when she cannot find a lover to share with you, this is not your fault. Instead of making this into a problem by worrying about it, be the man that is proud that his girl loves him so much, she cannot make love without him.

2. DO BI-GIRLS NEED TO HAVE FEMALE LOVERS TO BE CONTENT IN A HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP?

There is a common misconception that once a girl is bisexual, she cannot be sexually fulfilled unless she is dating both a man and a woman. The truth is a little more complicated. Even for girls who have open relationships, they do not always want two lovers. Sometimes a bi-girl can be in a gay or straight relationship for years, or even a lifetime, without “missing” sex with the other gender. Even couples who play a lot sometimes need time to just be together, one-on-one. Since your girlfriend is not interested in playing without you and is still openly and honestly searching for the right lover for you both, don’t worry that the search is making her unhappy. Instead, focus on loving her right now and be proud that she is so true and dedicated to you.

3. SOMETIMES FINDING A THIRD IS HARD AND MAYBE THAT IS A GOOD THING

I know that you are concerned that you are inadvertently keeping her from being happy if she does not have female sexual companionship. It can be very hard to meet the right person to bring into your relationship, at times. You are both very lucky to have already had such nice connections with female lovers. For some couples, this is a shared fantasy that never becomes a reality, so, already, you are ahead of the pack. Remember that it is okay to have a period of time where you two are monogamous. Sometimes, the universe makes it hard to find a third because you both need time to be together and work on your core relationship. If you are concerned for her happiness, do not create drama and worry that she cannot be fulfilled in a relationship that is just with you. Instead, focus on loving her, being her sexual champion, and keeping her happy in your bed.

XOXOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR

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IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ENJOY READING:
ASK MISS BLISS – HOW DOES A “GOOD GUY” MEET A BI-GIRL?
ASK MISS BLISS – MY BOYFRIEND’S PUSHING HARD FOR A THREESOME
THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, HOW DO I MEET BI-GIRLS, PT I?
THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, HOW DO I MEET BI-GIRLS, PT II?
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GOT A QUESTION FOR ASK MISS BLISS? E-MAIL ME AT BLISS@BLISSWARRIOR.COM
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MISSED BLISS WARRIOR’S FIRST WEB RADIO INTERVIEW WITH GINA HENDRIX FOR LOVE LIFE MAKEOVERS?  CLICK HERE TO HEAR THE ENTIRE HOUR-LONG INTERVIEW.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Amy Kathryn May 20, 2008 at 3:56 pm

This is a great blog! Insightful and right on. Thank you Miss Bliss. Once again you are totally on top of your game which results in the rest of us following suit. Thank you.

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