by Miss Bliss

Dear Miss Bliss,

I know that you aren’t a doctor or professional in sexual matters, but I read your blog, HOW MANY WAYS CAN YOU CLIMAX? and it sort of hit home for me. I am definitely one of those girls who finds it hard to masturbate. Not because it’s too messy or anything, but because I can honestly say that I’m not too in touch with my Lucy. (Lucy is the name for my vagina. Crazy, I know, but I hate how pussy, or cunt, sounds.) It’s a difficult thing to admit out loud, and so far, only my boyfriend knows.

This is why I’m curious to be with a women, because I’m hoping to climax in a new way. Please don’t think me an odd person, but I’ve never had an orgasm with my boyfriend. I have with my vibrator, but with him, an orgasm won’t come. My boyfriend has noticed this and tried to break down my walls of inhibition to get me there. I feel pleasure, I love it, but too much pleasure gets me less hot down there. It has discouraged me tremendously from desire and made me feel hopeless.

I just don’t like how it feels to touch myself inside, so what do I do?

–Lady M.

Darling Lady M.,

Since seventh grade, I have enjoyed touching myself and making myself orgasm, and I strongly believe the better a girl knows how to pleasure herself, the better and more frequent her orgasms with her lover will be. Women’s bodies are unique; there is no one way to make a girl come. Loving women is marvelous because discovering what makes her feel pleasure is always as individual as her personality. So, darling, be gentle with yourself and remember that sex is a sensual act for women, and an orgasm is not the only goal.

I agree with you that cunt is an ugly word, although it can be charming when a Brit man screams it at a footballer. But I have to disagree with you on the P-word. I happen to like the word pussy. Imagine you are with a girl and she is kissing your neck while you smell her perfume and feel the softness of her hair against your breast. She whispers in a sweet purr, “You have a beautiful pussy,” and for the first time, you are overwhelmed by the complement. I bet you will be able to enjoy talking about your pretty pussy after that!

If the vibrator makes you shake and shimmer, bring your vibrator into bed. Give you man a show and let him watch you make yourself come. Give him a live erotic show and teach him what you like, so he can learn from you. Some couples enjoy having a vibrator between both of them during intercourse so they can enjoy the vibrations together. Use the vibrator on him, and he will not be nervous to use it on you.

Research demonstrates that women tend to have more orgasms as they get older. If you are in your twenties and having difficulty climaxing, do not worry. This is very natural and normal, and when you turn thirty and forty, you will delight in your new sexual power. For now, focus on enjoying the pleasures you are already experience because worrying about coming makes it harder to orgasm.

Most women need at least twenty minutes of foreplay to achieve orgasm. But sometimes too much pressure on the clit can make a girl sore before she can come. To avoid wearing yourself out before you achieved bliss, try to stop and go and come. Let your partner pleasure you and get you close to where you feel energy building between your legs. Then make him/her stop. Take a break, focus on his pleasure for awhile, then repeat. Eventually, the sexual energy will demand to be released. Sometimes trying NOT to come, is exactly what will help you climax.

Your kegel muscles should be exercised daily to make sex better and orgasms easier. When you are peeing and you stop the flow, you are exercising your kegel muscles. Experts recommend squeezing these muscles 100 times a day to help tone the muscles that bring you bliss. (A fun thing to do while at the office!) During intercourse, tighten your kegels and see how happy your new muscles make your man.

Lovely girl, I know you think a girl might be able to give you the orgasm your man has not given you, but this is unlikely. Not impossible, but not something I would bet on. Girls who know what gives them pleasure and who masturbate a lot are the same ones who have varied and multiple orgasms. If you do not like the way you feel inside, do you think you will enjoy feeling another girl? Learn on your own body. Treat your gorgeous self in the same way you would please a girl. And, if you still do not want to put your fingers inside of yourself, start experimenting with glass dildos and new sex toys. The more playful you are with yourself, the more your body will respond.

Women are not like men. An orgasm is not simply a physical response to stimulation. For a woman to climax, her brain needs to come first. For some women, reading romance novels, Anne Rice books, or Penthouse Letters can stimulate the sexual response in the brain. Perhaps you need to describe a vivid sexual fantasy during sex with your partner. Maybe watching erotica with your partner can turn on your mind and get you into your body. Whatever it is, if you are thinking about how you cannot come, you will not be able to come. What turns your brain on, dear reader? Find this and you may find the key that unlocks multiple pleasures.



{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Blue January 11, 2008 at 9:09 pm

I have a list of hundreds of euphemisms for my pussy. . .and I have to say that my current favorite is Pretty Pansy. Again, you have shared valuable information in your beautiful style. Thanks for helping make the world a sexier place.



Anonymous January 11, 2008 at 9:09 pm

I too am a women who cant really orgasm when having vaginal intercourse with my husband. Doesn’t stop me from trying of course, but i just find that direct clit stimulus gets me off better. Sure i masturbate with a vibrator, my favorite is the Hitachi Magic wand, and my husband loves to “give me my turn” after we are done with him. Its fun, it makes it all into me, sometimes he takes control of the wand, others he doesn’t. We have noticed however that when i get close to climaxing, i tend to push out his penis. I can still orgasm with a dildo inside of me, But i would love to be able to climax with his penis inside of me. Any ideas on what I can do to make that a reality? Or should I just try harder with my kegel exercises?



sandra May 13, 2009 at 11:25 am

I am a happy women in a relationship with another women for 2 years ad our sex life is on fire, i think the key to a good orgasim is teasing, being gentle, taking your time at the start and i find when you lick a girls clit and finger her softly at the same time then use th penis or dildo. The build up to the climax will make u orgasim like never before.


Lara January 20, 2010 at 7:53 pm

I don’t want to mislead anyone here. My name is my fem self but I am male and very happy with that part of my persona too. But I wanted to add something. When my spouse and I make love (and as with most of my girlfriends before I was married) I encourage her to touch herself while we have intercourse. She gets the best of everything she wants and needs and I am very turned on by her touching herself and it adds greatly to my pleasure to watch and feel her do so. For me, sex is all in the brain. If my partner isn’t metally turned on, then neither am I. One thing I have learned from having a dual sexuality is that men are far too hung up on control and their egos. I wouldn’t dream of interjecting myself into my partner’s or her partner’s lovemaking unless I was absolutely positive both of them were most desirous of it, and then only when asked repeatedly. My “female” self is more a result of an absolute femininity fetish than anything else. If I could shape shift I would only be interested in females as there is nothing more artful, sensual or beautiful on this earth than women. And women with women is…well…too much to stand almost. This is a beautiful, brilliant, and incredibly intelligent blog. I can only say to bi women that if your male partner insists on being there or watching or any other kind of control of your sexuality, you need to reassess your relationship. Control is not healthy. Love is not about control or jealousy or insecurity. Love is about trust and wanting what is best for your partner. None of us can be all things to another. Just isn’t possible in my opinion.


deelite February 20, 2010 at 1:41 am

I too am a girl that does not masterbate. I simply can’t get myself off. I know what I like, but if it’s me doing it, it just doesn’t work. I know how to make a girl orgasm and every girl I’ve been with loves my methods. I can orgasm just thinking about being with another girl, I don’t need to masterbate myself.


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