I have a problem being a bi female. Whenever I am in a relationship with a man and he finds out I am bi he always starts pressuring me to bring another woman into the relationship. I think it is fine sometimes but when a man asks me for another woman on more than several occasions, it makes me feel bad, like he isn’t satisfied with just me. Am I wrong to feel this way? I enjoy being bisexual but should I be feeling like I am being used all the time? Should I stop being bi if that’s even possible?
–Tired of Being Pressured Into Threesomes
Of course you are feeling used! Your man is not making you his first priority. A man who truly loves you will recognize that he is incredibly lucky to be dating a bisexual woman. A man who adores you will only want to be with another woman if YOU are equally attracted to her. A man who respects you will never make you feel pressured into having a sexual experience. A man who is committed to you will make your love his primary focus.
1. MANY BISEXUALS ARE MONOGAMOUS
Darling, I don’t know if it is possible to stop being bisexual. If you are attracted to both sexes now, you probably will continue to be throughout your life. But it is important to understand that you can always choose to have monogamous relationships. Being bisexual does not mean that you have to have group sexual experiences; many bisexuals are monogamous. However, if you are dating a man who equates bisexuality with group sex, he may not be the right man to share a life with.
2. NO WOMAN – STRAIGHT, GAY OR BI – SHOULD EVER BE PRESSURED INTO HAVING SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS SHE DOES NOT WANT
If he is “pressuring” you to be with women you are not attracted to, you are not in a healthy relationship. Group sex encounters are only right if all members involved CHOOSE to be there because there is a loving, sexual connection between all individuals. If you have sex with a woman only to please your man, you are lying to her and giving away something sacred: your love. Threesomes can be wonderful, fulfilling, incredibly amazing experiences but that is only possible when no one is being exploited or hurt.
3. EVERY LOVING RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS FROM MONOGAMOUS PERIODS
Many bisexuals who enjoy group experiences explain that although they sometimes open up their relationships to lovers, they also enjoy (and sometimes need) monogamous periods in order for their relationship to grow and deepen. If you are feeling insecure in the relationship, you should not have group sex. Instead, you should explain your feelings to your partner and say that you need the relationship to be monogamous for awhile. A man who loves you will understand and will want to work on bettering your connection.
4. JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE BI DOESN’T MEAN HE GETS TO SLEEP WITH EVERY GIRL HE MEETS
Sadly, I have some male friends who would like me to introduce them to my bisexual friends just so they can have a girlfriend who will “let them” sleep with tons of women. What these men do not understand is being bisexual does not make you a skank who will sleep with anything that moves just to please a man. (There are some amazing bisexual sluts out there who I love dearly, but even they are picky and particular about who they share their love with and they never do anything they do not want to do.) Darling girl, you deserve a man who loves you and who puts you in the center of his life. Bisexual or not, your man should love you with such ardor that you never feel neglected or used.
5. IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP THE CENTER OF THE CONNECTION?
What the wrong men do not understand about bi women in group situations is that the sexual tryst should be about the couples’ connection first. Nothing ruins a threesome more than a guy forcing girls to be together or pushing them to both be all over him. In the right situation, your man wants you to have an incredible experience with him to deepen your connection. By being with you and your female lover, he gets to see the glorious girl who loves both men and women which will bring you closer together. A true partner helps you to become the best version of yourself. If he is making you lie or act untrue for his pleasure, he is using – and abusing – your love.
6. GROUP SEX IS NOT JUST A BAND-AID FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T COMMIT
If you are not feeling he is satisfied with you and is using group sex to compensate, your relationship may be in trouble. Group sex does not solve problems in a relationship; in fact, if a relationship is not solid, it can bring you a lot of new ones. If he needs other lovers to feel content in the relationship, he may be having trouble committing fully to you. I recommend seeking a therapist and learning to communicate better with your partner to ensure you no longer feel pressure to participate in unhealthy sexual scenarios.
7. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
It seems that although you do not like the frequency of group sex, you have enjoyed sharing female lovers with your man. If that is true, and you would like to continue having positive group connections, I recommend you really think about what you want and what would make you happy in the future. Maybe you only want to have a female lover if you are really infatuated with her, maybe you only want to have a fling with a third every other year, or maybe, you want to be monogamous for awhile. Decide what you want and communicate that to your man. If you are having trouble knowing what you want, I recommend, again, that you find a therapist who you can sort through these complicated feelings with.
Being bisexual is beautiful, but sometimes it takes a little life experience to understand how to live each day ethically, openly, and lovingly. We have so few friends who truly understand these complicated issues. I applaud you for reaching out to me and want you to know that when you are feeling bad the good news is you are defining what you do not want in your life. In order to feel good again, you have to decide what you DO want.
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