Dear Miss Bliss,
I do not know what to do with myself. I still hang out and sleep with my ex-boyfriend. We have been on and off for the last year of our two years together. He is great in bed and it is hard for me to go find someone new when I like how we are sexually. I have actively pursued a woman to fill the emotional gap I have been experiencing and finally, after a whole year of searching, I found someone! We are just getting to know each other and it’s been great! Now he’s jealous and I don’t know what to do.
We all know about each other. She has her own male lover, as well, so she’s not trying to have a threesome with my friend, nor is she trying to force me into one with her friend. Now, all my ex can talk about is how I fell into her lap and haven’t left and that I am going to run off with her and her friend. He says she has changed me. I can see myself being a little less tolerant to some of the stupid things he does but have not shown him any less love.
I truly am in love with him still and it is not returned, so I’m trying to move on (at least emotionally ) but I can’t take his verbal tongue lashing anymore and he and I can’t communicate well.
He has a problem with her and she has NO problems with him. I want to keep them both… Is there anything I can do???
Help, please!
*Feel Like Screaming!!!*
Dear Miss Feel Like Screaming…
How wonderful that you took the time and initiative to find the perfect female lover. You have been honest and upfront with both lovers, and it is obvious from your letter, that you care very much how each lover feels. You have done everything in the right way and it is natural that you are frustrated by your ex-boyfriend’s behavior.
1. HE IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND
First of all, if he does not care about you or filling your “emotional gap”, he has lost the right to claim you for his own.
2. GOOD SEX IS NOT WORTH VERBAL ABUSE
Just because he is good in bed does not mean you have to put up with a verbal tongue-lashing. You are not in an exclusive relationship and he has no right to criticize you, your love, or your other lovers. Even if he wanted to be your boyfriend, no man has the right to speak to his woman this way. Until he is your boyfriend and treats you with love and respect, he has no right to punish you when he feels insecure.
3. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO FEEL JEALOUS
The next time he expresses fears that you are leaving him for your lover and her man, tell him he SHOULD be worried. You will leave him because he is not doing the work to keep you! She has not taken you away from him. He gave you up a year ago.
4. LOVE IS CHANGING YOU
You are changing. You are experiencing a fulfilling love affair and that naturally has improved your confidence, made you sexier and stronger. You are also demonstrating a new independent side of yourself which threatens his comfortable situation with you.
Darling girl, there is no need to scream.
He is not your boyfriend and he does not love you the way you deserve to be loved.
If he disrespects you again, walk out the door.
He has not given you reason to stay.
XOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXO
BLISS
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
God, Miss Bliss, you are GORGEOUS!
i LOVE the way you are able to articulate the simple truth. you are a Goddess to women. i sincerely hope “feel like screaming” hears what you have said to her.
Merry Christmas, Darling. Or Happy Holidays, whichever applies.
if you are ever in miami or surrounding areas, please let me know.
Hugs and Kisses,
Gaby
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When I read the letter you responded to, my first response was “damn right, he should be scared. . .he doesn’t deserve her. . .and he knows it”. . .
what it all comes down to in my vision is that he loves owning her. . .all the benefits of a relationship without any of the work that a true, loving commitment requires.
Your advice was beautiful, and as always, right on the money. . .this waste of skin needs to realize that he is not the center of the universe. . .and strong women can always find loving, wonderful people who appreciate them.
No amount of good sex is worth the verbal attacks. . .and good sex is everywhere. . .all it takes is opening your mind and your eyes. . .
Love and kisses to you
Blue
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it is difficult enough to deal with an ex-boyfriend that still has feelings and wants to still see you, but when there is verbal abuse or any kind of negative communications, thats when i think it needs to be completely broken off.. i still talk to my ex-boyfriends (a couple of them…) and i love being totally honest when i am seeing someone new, and i like to express how i feel. some guys take it lighter than others, but hey they broke up for a reason, right?
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ASKED TO BE POSTED BY “FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!”
Bliss…
Thank you for responding and blogging so quickly! Your advise truely helped me to see that what I was feeling was along the correct lines… (to an extent) :s
I did want to tell you that I should have stated a little more clearly his “tounge lashings”. I’m not trying to make excuses for him.. your blog really helped but I didn’t say that he IS and NEVER WAS verbally abusive, it’s snide, snippy, jelous comments of how I have no time for him or that I will be with her or have made plans with her before he got a chance to make plans. It’s basically whining but with a yelling voice… ( is that still verbal abuse?)He never calls me names or says bad things to me. Its just yelling things like “You don’t have time for me anymore” (Because he won’t make advance plans and she will)
Anyone that knows us.. says he is in love with me and is 23 and just can’t say it.. I still see: an ex- boyfriend that never did anything wrong but be closed minded about certain life situations because his perspective was young.
Your response was helpful, insightful and has made me really think about what MY motivations are.
Thank you again!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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darling girl…
i am very glad to hear he is not verbally abusive.
it is also good to know he is only 23.
men in their early 20s have it tough…
their brain and their heart want to do one thing,
but their libido wants something else entirely.
but, remember,
he has no right to take away your enjoyment of the girlfriend you so long desired and finally found.
don’t let him take away your happiness!
especially through unmerited jealousy and possessiveness.
you are too amazing for that, goddess.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
bliss
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I am going through a similar situation, minus the wonderful woman (woe is me! hehe). My boyfriend and I have been on the rocks for about 6 months now, and I’ve just about reached the end of my rope. My boyfriend says similar snippy, rude comments about how I spend more time with my friends (who came years before this relationship… all platonic relationships) or how I don’t want him to sleep over anymore (I’m not really interested in sleeping with him right now).
In fact, earlier this week, I told him all the things that were upsetting me, and that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He agreed with me on many levels (we’re two very different people with incredibly separate life goals… which doesn’t exactly make for the best long-term relationship), but we decided to give it another go. I’m not sure I made the best decision; things have improved slightly, but I think the moral of the story here is to look at the long term. I can’t see anything in the future but my personal sacrifice and sadness.
I agree that his comments are verbal abuse, because what it comes down to is how what he says makes you feel. If you walk away feeling like crap most of the time, it’s just not worth it. The change in your behavior (not taking it anymore) is a sign that you weren’t happy with the way you were being treated.
Okay, I’m not the advice columnist here, I just really felt like getting my two cents in there! To everyone, Happy Holidays and have a wonderful New Year!
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That’s damn good advice and I agree with you completely. If the man does not want you as his girlfriend, he has no place saying a damn thing. Awesome advice.
And, just a bit of advice from one webmaster to another. I would be very weary about having that Adsense bar on a site like this. As far as I know, they don’t tolerate anything of the adult nature. Best of luck!
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i can understand the feeling of being torn… except my scenario is different…. You see, for a year now I have been falling (and this summer, completely in LOVE) with a bi friend of mine… But she was so hung up on this other girl(who didnt return her feelings) that I was scared totry to show my feelings. She knew them… But she said at the time that she would not be able to return my feelings if i tried to kiss her. She would hold me while we laid in bed watching movies, kiss my cheek, my hair, but never anything more. She said she didn’t know if she could have feelings for me… At the end of August, after a whole summer of wondering about this girl, and trying to avoid boyfriends at all costs after a 6 month relationship turned lie….my close friend died. And at the funeral, I totally broke down to a long lost friend. the pallbearers and I (including this friend) all went out to Tyler(RIP)’s house and had drinks. I helped the long lost friend with the cooler and going on drink runs for everyone with him. We took turns breaking down and opening up to each other… Crying in each others arms at times and when the topic of broken relationships came up, we found in each other familiar sob stories of neglectful and deceitful lovers, of loneliness and unrequited love. Later that night we saw a shooting star just like the night our friend passed away. He looked at me as he held me and he asked if he could kiss me… I said yes. Since then we have had an amazing relationship, fulfilling both physically sexually and emotionally. It has been just about five months. But in that five months he has asked me several times if I was Bi. I have only ever came out to a few close friends, one of whom was to be my potential girlfriend, and the other, the girl i was talking about before, my summer love. The more he brought it up, the more i caught myself missing *the* girl. Everything about her. So the three of us went to a few parties together, movies, mall , dinner, etc. Just trying to get them to know each other more (secretly, part of it was just that i just missed her. I wanted to go to all these places with her alone but was too shy)…Two nights ago though… Her boyfriend and mine were both at work. The night before she watched Jennifers Body (megan fox & amanda seyfried) and she began to text me to tell me how she missed kissing girls. She asked me if I would kiss her if she asked me to…I said maybe? Why? She told me how she just missed it and knew how i loved her so the feeling would be amazing… But if i ever planned on kissing her not to tell her to surprise her… Then that night while our boyfriends were out, we watched the movie together. She told me how jealous she was of amanda because Megan Fox was her dream girl and all this… Told me how passionateit looked. How she missed the passion. she carried on watching the movie and i carried on watching her, This beautiful angel with eyes all glowy from her excitement and lust. “sara?” i said her name softly, and she turned to look at me. Then i did it. I kissed my lost lover. And the miracle; she kissed back. At first so softly, and then the kisses became deeper, longer, full, hands began caressing; back, hair, lips, cheeks, stomach, breasts, hips… All of the world disappeared.
My boyfriend said to me many times that he is not sure that kissing a girl is cheating for me, because i will not leave him and if i find a girl i just want and dont love… i would never fall for her more than him. Tht is what i believe too… But I truly love this woman… i am IN love with him. I tell her this. She understands and is okay… But what do I tell my man.? Do i tell my man or see if the “new” ness of my love affair disippates and then carry on? Help?
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