Dear Miss Bliss,
I am a 37-year-old bi woman who has been in two marriages lasting over 16 years. I am openly dating women and currently have an odd situation I need advice about.
I am dating a woman who is 12 years younger than me who has only been with one woman and two men in her life. Her friends and family don’t know about me and she lives with her best friend of nine years. She admits to having a thing for her roommate/best friend, and I am the jealous type. They have heavy make-out sessions but it has never progressed as she says her roomie isn’t into women.
No one she knows has a clue about us. I’m afraid that if the roommate finds out about us that she may decide that she DOES like girls and take it to the next level and I will be out in the cold.
I just need your advice, Bliss Baby!
XOXOXOXOX
The Jealous Type
Dear Jealous Type,
DOES AGE DIFFERENCE MATTER IN A RELATIONSHIP?
More and more women are dating both men and women many years older and many years younger than themselves. I consider this progress because some twenty-somethings are much more mature than others their age, and some thirty, forty and fifty-somethings are much younger. My husband and I have had marvelous relationships with women ten years younger and ten years older. So, to me, it is not important that she is younger than you are.
LACK OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
Your girl’s lack of sexual experience may be more of an issue than her age. Unlike you, who had two marriages and presumably more experiencing dating, she does not necessarily know how to communicate well with a partner. Have compassion for her negotiating a new bisexual identity, and know that when newly dating, a girl can make mistakes. You can be the example of how a respectful partner nurtures the relationship and she can learn from you.
IF THE ROOMMATE MAKES OUT WITH GIRLS, SHE’S INTO GIRLS
I am not sure if you and your girlfriend have discussed being monogamous, or made any commitments to one another. But for her to tell you not to be jealous when she makes out with her roommate because she is “not into girls”, is absolutely ridiculous. If your girl’s tongue is down her friend’s throat every now and then, the roommate is into girls.
SHE IS NOT TREATING YOU WITH RESPECT
I understand that many bi-women are afraid to come out to their parents and friends, and many never do because they feel they do not have to. Thanks to the heterosexual cloaking device, many bisexuals only share who they are dating with loved ones when they are dating someone of the opposite sex and having a “normal” hetero relationship. The problem here, however, is nobody knows about your relationship and this can easily make you feel threatened. You are right to be concerned about the roommate not knowing about you. Feelings of jealousy are completely natural in this scenario because you know your girlfriend is hiding your relationship, so what else is she hiding? It is good that she is honest with you about her attraction to her roommate, but she has created a scenario where you are left feeling insecure and disrespected.
WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT?
Darling girl, the question you need to ask yourself is, what kind of relationship do you want? A secret affair with a girl with no strings attached? That is what you have now and to continue it, you may need to release jealous feelings and know that the relationship will last as long as it lasts. If you want a committed relationship with a woman, you may have to seek that elsewhere or have constructive conversations with your girl about the relationship you desire. Like men, if the woman has not said that you are exclusively her girlfriend, you are dating and there is no serious commitment. So if you really are the jealous type, a change has to be made. Either you accept that she likes dating you and fooling around with friends, or you change it.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
******************************************************************************************
IF YOU ENJOYED THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ALSO LIKE READING:
ASK MISS BLISS – MY HUSBAND’S JEALOUS
ASK MISS BLISS – TORN BETWEEN LOVERS
ASK MISS BLISS – MAKE MY BRAIN COME
******************************************************************************************
BLISS IS IN MIAMI. LADIES COMING TO BRUNCH THIS SATURDAY, I WILL EMAIL YOU ALL THE LOCATION LATER TONIGHT! IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN US FOR BRUNCH THIS SATURDAY IN MIAMI FOR FRIENDSHIP AND CONVERSATION, EMAIL ME AT BLISS@BLISSWARRIOR.COM.
******************************************************************************************
HAVE A QUESTION FOR ASK MISS BLISS?
EMAIL ME AT BLISS@BLISSWARRIOR.COM
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
The roommate may very well not be “into girls.” She may only be into this one girl. So that then raises the question: Does sexual experience define sexual orientation? There are many women who will make out with other women, and even have sex with other women, from time to time, but will not identify as bisexual for whatever reason. There are women who identify as bi and have only been with men. There are women who identify as lesbians, who may have one or two sexual relationships with men (while still identifying themselves as lesbian). *shrug* I don’t think sexual orientation is an absolute…it’s a series of labels that we put on ourselves, and on others. They have meaning, both socially and individually, but because it’s an issue of identity it should be up to the individual to choose (or not choose) that label for themselves.
Reply
well, my opinion is that sexuality is somewhat like political parties. i know this may sound like a bad metaphor, but , some people are TOTALLY liberal, others are TOTALLY conservative, but there are many people in between that dont identify with either political party at all..
so me, personally, i am a bi- confident girl, who has only been with men and made out with 3 girls, so what does that make me, bi-curious still? i know i am not curious about females, because i have known for a long time that i have an attraction towards females.
so. to sum it up. everyone is different. but as long as both people keep the honesty and respect for each other (if that is what they desire,)_ then there should be no regrets..
Reply
It is so very important to make your intentions clear in any arrangement and clearly ( being that I have jealous tendencies myself) she is definitely disrespecting her. I can say that MOST women my age are mature for their age, however some bi/ bi curious girls I know do not know how to make their wants known…or sometimes may even be confused about what they want. Which is okay, because we are human. In the same breath we need to spare the other person pain and frustration so it is best to be forthright. Not everyone can have thei cake and eat it too. I am glad you posted this ….a different kind of concern that some women go through. As usual, you are simply amazing Bliss sweetie!
Reply
I think you need to define your relationship clearly with her. Sounds to me that she is playing games with you to make you feel jealous. Many women do this just to see how you will react to it (testing you). She seems like she is looking for the drama since she does these things and also tells you about it. Are you sure she even does these things with her roommate and it isn’t her just fantasizing? The other thing is that you really shouldn’t be jealous, your married. You’re in one committed relationship already, seems a little greedy or maybe a double standard with you. Cut your loses and move on to another girl, you’re not married to her.
Reply