ASK MISS BLISS - HOW DO I TELL MY FRIENDS THAT MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Written by Miss Bliss on December 9, 2008 – 1:45 pm -Hi, Miss Bliss,
I have a question on how to deal with explaining my lifestyle to friends. I am only out to a few of my friends as bisexual. And it’s not something I want to tell everyone I come across, because I feel although it is an important part of who I am, it is not the only defining part of who I am.
I am happily married and bi and my husband and I have a girlfriend that comes to visit us a couple times a year. Not only is she our lover but she is one of my closest and dearest friends. So it is more than just physical.
I guess my question is what is the best way to explain this to another friend?
Usually, this is how the conversation goes when the question comes up.
“So what’s up with you and Rachel? You seem pretty close.”
“She’s my long distance girlfriend.”
“How does your husband feel about that?”
“She is his girlfriend, too.”
The usual response to this is a look of shock and a “eeew”, or “Oh, I don’t do group sex.”
Now I’m trying to avoid these hurtful responses because what we have is more than sex. It’s beautiful. I’ve never been closer to two other people in my entire life. I love them both dearly. But I don’t know how to disarm the “eeew, that’s creepy” look from friends that inquire.
Any advice will help.
Thank you, Bliss.
XOXO,
SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS TO THE “EEEWWS”
Dearest Searching,
You and your husband are truly lucky to have a long-term friend and lover. It is also wise that you choose who to share this information with carefully, as there are many people out there who are currently unable to understand your unique relationship.
I do know that it takes strength to come out to close friends, and it hurts when those friends do not react supportively. Some bi-girls are so pained by their friends’ reactions that they stop coming out altogether and may even stop identifying as “bisexual” in an attempt to protect themselves from future hurt.
So, the question is, how do we frame the conversation so our straight friends understand and can react supportively?
To answer this question, we must first look at why our friends usually react with an “eeeww.” When we know the underlying beliefs that make them fear bisexuals and complex relationships, we can find better words to explain our subculture for what it truly is: loving, ethical and - (often surprisingly) - normal.
1. THE PROBLEM: THEY ASSUME YOU USE WOMEN FOR YOUR MAN’S PLEASURE.
If your friend is a girl, there is a high chance that she is freaked out by your relationship because it implies that you will “use” another woman to fulfill your man’s fantasy of a threesome. In her mind, no woman would “voluntarily” sleep or date a couple because there is no potential for a “real” relationship.
THE SOLUTION: STRESS HOW EGALITARIAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS BETWEEN ALL THREE PEOPLE
Because it is so hard for some people to find even one person to love, it seems shocking that three people could all love one another equally. Stress to your friend that you and your man both love your lover equally and she loves both of you. Explain that there are never any games and she is not trying to “steal your man.” Instead, you have learned to appreciate your primary relationship because it is the love that you share with your husband that makes her attracted to you both. Plus, because you have a stable relationship, you and your man do not bring any drama into your lover’s life; instead, you use your love to shower her in joy, kindness, and adoration. Since your friend will be surprised by all of this, acknowledge how surprised you were to learn that this kind of relationship was possible and actually easy! The more you remember your own suspicions of threesomes and group sex before you discovered your bisexuality, the easier it will be for your friend to feel safe and understood.
2. THE PROBLEM: THEY ASSUME YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES AND ARE A SLUT.
When you tell a friend about you and your husband’s female lover, she may think that you are a slut and this is your way of “testing the waters” with her.
THE SOLUTION: TELL HER YOU ARE NOT HITTING ON HER AND ARE VERY PICKY WHEN IT COMES TO LOVERS.
Before you start telling her about your lover, first make it known that you are not coming out to hit on her. Tell her she is a very dear friend to you and compassionate enough to share this private matter with. Explain right off the bat that you are very picky when it comes to female lovers, and would never embark on any group situation unless all three individuals connected emotionally and physically. When you do tell her about your lover, say that you are shocked that you found someone who you and your man connect with so deeply. Girls are funny creatures; even the straightest girls will be sad that you are NOT hitting on her when you explain you are “picky.” You never know, the girl who might have said “ewww” in the past may just start thinking, “Why doesn’t she like me?”
3. THE PROBLEM: THEY ASSUME SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP
When hearing you and your man have a lover, some may assume there is a problem in your marriage. Either you or he cannot commit, are no longer in love, or are not sexually compatible.
THE SOLUTION: EXPLAIN IF THERE WERE SOMETHING WRONG, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SHARE A LOVER LONG-TERM
A solid two-person relationship takes a lot of communication to work. A solid three-person relationship needs even more communication, care and work to last long term. Just tell your friend that in a study by Lisa Diamond, M.A. on sexual fluidity it was the bisexual women who were more likely over time to have a successful relationship. “Why,” your friend will ask. And you will say, “Because bi-girls seemed to have better communication skills with their partners than their straight or lesbian sisters.” If you and your man have a long-term lover, this is a sign of something right between you. No woman is going to date a couple if they are fighting, detached or out-of-sync. It is the calm and quiet love that you share, full of honesty and respect, that is attractive to a third and makes the relationship last.
4. THE PROBLEM: THEY ARE IGNORANT ABOUT BISEXUALITY AND GROUP RELATIONSHIPS, SO THEY ASSUME YOU PARTICIPATE IN A “PORNOGRAPHIC” LIFESTYLE OR ARE A “SWINGER”.
Straight friends usually have negative stereotypes about bisexual culture because all they have been exposed to is pornography or “lifestyle” swingers. In both pornography and swinging, the focus is on hook-ups, not love or relationships. Partners do not need to have any emotional connection to have sex, so the straight world assumes that group sex (especially bisexual sex) is loveless, anonymous, dirty, and abusive.
THE SOLUTION: EXPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE A LOVING, HONEST, EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP SHARED BETWEEN THREE PEOPLE.
Let your friend know that pornography does not reflect how you live your life. Unlike porn or swingers, you do not have casual hook-ups that are emotionally meaningless. Your love affair is based on a deep, intimate friendship and the sexual connection is an extension of it. Let your friend know that you are telling her about your relationship to contradict these ridiculous stereotypes. Say that the reason why your relationship has lasted is because of the deep emotional ties the three of you share. Anyone who has participated in a group relationship knows that what porn can never capture is the sweet innocent joy of sharing love between three people.
5. THE PROBLEM: GOING DOWN ON A GIRL IS JUST GROSS
Some straight friends react with an “eeww” just thinking about a girl going down on another girl. “Lesbian sex” can be a terrifying for some straight girls who suddenly think of “fish smell” and other silly vagina-shame thoughts.
THE SOLUTION: LET HER KNOW HOW SURPRISED YOU WERE TO DISCOVER HOW AMAZING GIRLS ARE TO MAKE LOVE TO
Almost all bi women have experienced a time in their life where they wondered if they could really go down on a girl. Remember what it was like to have that fear and be compassionate for your straight friend. Tell her about your fears before your first time: did you worry about being able to make her climax? Did you worry her taste would be sour? Then, let her know how wonderful it was to get beyond your fears and love a woman. Let her know how empowering it was to make a girl quiver and jump with just your tongue. Tell her how surprised you were by how wonderful she tasted and how you could have stayed between her legs all night long. Lead by example, I say. The more you are proud of your life and your loves, the easier it will be for your friends to be proud of you, too.
REMEMBER: IT IS ONLY THROUGH KNOWING PEOPLE WHO HAVE SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS THAT WE WILL COMBAT STEREOTYPES THAT LEAD TO THE “EEEWW”.
Not all friends will react the way we want them to and that is okay. Try to understand that they are your friend because they are supposed to learn from you. Try not to be hurt when their fear prompts ignorant responses from them. Be proud of who you are and they will come around. They always do.
XOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
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DEAREST READERS, SO SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED ALL LAST WEEK. I HAD AN AMAZING TIME IN NEW YORK AND A WONDERFUL NYC BRUNCH THAT I WILL WRITE ABOUT SOON, BUT ON MY LAST DAY THERE, I GOT A HORRIBLE CASE OF THE FLU. THIS FORCED ME TO STAY LONGER THAN I HAD PLANNED AND I ONLY GOT BACK TO LA THIS WEEKEND. SO PLEASE FORGIVE THE INTERRUPTION IN POSTS. I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT I AM HEALTHY AND HAPPILY RECOVERED. I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING AND LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING ALL ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY PLANS. XOXOXOXO BLISS WARRIOR
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Posted in ASK MISS BLISS, BISEXUALITY, RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, Uncategorized, bi-girls, bi-phobia, bisexual, bisexual girls, boyfriends, coming out, commitment, communication, couples, dating, dating girls, friends, group sex, love affairs, lovers, marriage, threesomes, women |
She Danced Into My Fairytale - The Conclusion of a Baby Bi-Girl’s First Time
Written by Jungle Jane on November 11, 2008 – 9:00 am -DEAREST READERS, JUNGLE JANE RETURNS WITH THE CONCLUSION OF THE TRUE STORY OF A BABY BI-GIRL’S FIRST TIME WITH A FEMALE LOVER. IF YOU MISSED THE FIRST THREE PARTS OF THIS INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL AND EROTIC STORY, PLEASE CLICK ON ONE OF THESE LINKS TO CATCH UP: PART ONE, PART TWO, AND PART THREE. XOXOXOX BLISS WARRIOR
The ballerina and I lay entangled in the tall grass. Her orgasm still pulsating off her skin and penetrating mine. Listening to our racing hearts beat in, what felt like unison, we breathed the fresh Hawaiian breeze that rushed over our sun soaked bodies and relaxed. My wondering, ever fantasizing mind had been silenced in the zen of actualization. I had just made love to a woman for the first time and it was just how I imagined it to be. Incredible.
She kissed me. She sat up and gazed at my body. She stretched out on her side with her face at near my knees and her ass in my face. She pushed my knee to the side to explore my sex deeper with her eyes. “Yours looks just like mine,” she said in amazement.
“Can I,” she asked with bashful eyes.
“You can if you would like,” I said with my legs still open. She smiled and spread my lips apart with nervous fingers to see the pretty pink glisten in a way she had never seen before. She asked me how I like to masturbate. I described to her my love for the vibration. She oh-so-gently slid her finger up and down in my juice. I could feel her hesitation in the feather lightness of her touch. I found it sweet. I found her stretched out body beside me completely irresistable. I pulled her hip toward me so she rolled onto her stomach. She felt exposed on her stomach as I made room between her legs for my hand. Her shy giggles turned to sweet feminine moans when my finger found its way to her wettest spot and my tongue began to follow. The sounds that came out her, had me melting into her.
Meanwhile, our elder sisters were napping just a few feet away under the tree. We heard them rustle as they were waking from their naps, so I paused. She pressed her ass into the air, pushing my finger deeper inside. We heard the ladies again and we both laughed as she flipped onto her back, keeping my finger inside her. She pulled me down to her face to kiss my lips and roll around with me in the grass, laughing. Girls are good at laughing.
We smiled at each other and crawled back to the tree where we smoked a joint with our girlfriends and painted toenails. When the picnic was over, the ballerina and I hugged tightly, kissed, and walked our separate ways….back home to the men that we love.
My man could see that I was glowing when I walked through the door. He asked me in a half cocked smile from across the room, “Did you just kiss Sasha?” I smiled and nodded my head yes. He smiled and walked over to me. “Did you do anything else with her?” I smiled and nodded my head yes. He stood tall in front of me and grabbed me by my waist and asked, “Did you just have sex with Sasha?” I smiled and nodded my head yes. He let go of me abruptly, walked to the bed, took his clothes off and made himself comfortable. In a serious tone of voice he said, “I want you to come tell me every single detail.”
I walked slowly over to him, taking my clothes off along the way, recalling every single detail starting from the moment my lips touched her nipple. By the time I was to the part where she came in my mouth, he was bringing me to the part where I splash my bliss all over his face. “Did Sasha make you do that,” he asked with a sexy, devilish grin. I smiled and shook my head no. Tingling in my skin, I finally understood that male satisfaction when you make a woman come. It’s a powerful, penetrating feeling and I’m hooked….on giving and receiving. I climbed on top of my man and took him inside me so he could feel just how thankful I am for his understanding and good, sweet love.
The next day I saw the ballerina at the waterfalls. She gently explained in so many words that yesterday was all that we would have. She felt that she had gone outside of her relationship with her man and while the experience was something she will treasure forever, she should not do it again. She was honest with her man and he was ok with it, but she shouldn’t do it again. “We could fall in love,” she said in such an airy Aires voice. Then she snapped dropped back to earth and said, “Besides, I’m not bisexual. That’s more your thing.”
I knew that she wasn’t where I was with her understanding of herself or her relationship with her man. As much as my physical side ached to hear her say what she said; I respected her decision. She wanted to remain friends and we tried, but our physical attraction to each other made it hard to focus. We had one last dance and kiss at the end of that intense week. The next morning, she packed up and moved away. Just like that. She came and went.
I felt shitty thinking about how long it might be before I got to experience something magical like that again. Little did I know the universe was just warming me up.
XOXOXOXO
JUNGLE JANE
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IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ENJOY OTHER BLOGS FROM JUNGLE JANE:
CRUSHING ON THE TAKEN GIRL: A BABY BI-GIRL SHARES HER STORY
A GIRL’S FIRST VIBRATOR: A BABY BI-GIRL SHARES HER STORY
GETTING HER NUMBER: A BABY BI-GIRL SHARES HER STORY
A BABY BI-GIRL SHARES HER STORY
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CHAT WITH BLISS WARRIOR AND FRIENDS TOMORROW NIGHT AT 6PM PST AND 9PM EST. ALL HOTEL BLISS MEMBERS ARE WELCOME TO JOIN BLISS AND HER FRIENDS IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM FOR A LIVE CHAT ON WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12! NOT A MEMBER OF HOTEL BLISS YET? VISIT BLISSWARRIOR.COM AND CLICK ON JOIN!
Posted in BISEXUALITY, GUEST BLOGS, RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, Uncategorized, baby bi-girls, bi-girls, bi-phobia, bisexual, bisexual girls, boyfriends, dating, dating girls, ejaculation, hand job, jungle jane, kissing, love affairs, lovers, orgasm, pussy, the first time, undressing girls, women |
ASK MISS BLISS - BI-BOY CAUGHT KISSING BY HIS COWORKERS
Written by Miss Bliss on October 21, 2008 – 9:49 am -Hi Bliss,
I was wondering of you had some advice…
I made a careless mistake a few weeks back. A friend of mine set me up on a date, and to my surprise, people I work with were at the same bar. I had no idea, and they saw my date and I kiss at the end of the night, so I kind of “outed” myself as a bisexual man to my coworkers. Now there are rumors spreading like wildfire around the office and I’m not sure what to do next.
A few weeks have passed, but the gossiping is still going strong. Some of the people I would go to happy hour with after work are no longer interested in going, and a few people are now trying to set me up with their gay friends. Some “friends” have also decided to introduce me to others with a sexual orientation attached.
Something that is also interesting, I told two girlfriends of mine I was bi. One girl is a lesbian and the other is straight, and they both think I’m gay, and guys can not be bisexual and they have distanced themselves, as well. I know what you are thinking, “then they weren’t really my friends” which is cool with me, but it is frustrating.
In my personal experience, more than 75% of the women, and 90% of the men I have discussed this with, think that men cannot be bisexual, and use the word “bisexual” as a term to ease people into the reality of them being gay. One point a female coworker attempted to make to me, is that she would never date a bisexual guy because she thinks he will cheat on her with another man, and when I asked her what would keep a bisexual women from cheating on a man with another women, she told me guys are different.
Thanks,
Bi and No One Believes Me
Dearest Bi and No One Believes Me -
The sad thing is MOST people don’t believe bisexuality exists in men or women. “It’s a phase,” they say, that either ends in marriage (so you are now “straight”) or in a gay relationship (so you are now “gay.”)
It is even harder in our current culture for bi-men to gain respect than bi-women because bi-women are fetishized in porn, advertising and media - which to straight people makes them seem “truly bi”. But when a man is interested in another man (even if he generally dates women - or consistently continues to love women) he is gay.
1. ARE YOU READY TO BE A LEADER?
So, my dear man, it seems you are potentially in a position of leadership. Are you ready to be the bi man in the office? The bi man in your friends’ lives? Are you ready to continue to remind others that you are NOT gay but truly bi and proud?
2. SOMETIMES THE UNIVERSE ENCOURAGES US TO COME OUT
Sometimes the universe places us in a situation where we have to come out. Circumstances have forced you to face your bisexuality in your office. Sure, some people will not invite you to happy hour for awhile. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep being you. Do you have a close friend in the office? Someone you can go out drinking with until others come around? With one friend, it’s a lot easier to go through this kind of storm.
3. IT IS ONLY THROUGH KNOWING BISEXUALS THAT STRAIGHT FOLKS LEARN THEY ARE “REAL”
Unfortunately, many women - even bisexual women - do not necessarily believe there are male bisexuals. One of my dear friends is a bi boy. I recently introduced him to a fab writer friend of mine. They became fast close friends and she began introducing him to her friends as her “Number One Gay”. He was naturally upset by this because she was denying his bisexuality. Each time she said it, he continued to correct her saying, “No, I am bi.” So now when she introduces him to her friends she tells this story and ends on, “He’s my Number One Bi.” It took awhile, but thanks to my friend for standing strong and being proud, one more person knows that bi men really do exist.
We are all fighting to be seen and understood. When one of us is outed - even in a humiliating way - it is for a reason. Even though it can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing, it feels better to live honestly. It feels wonderful when you can say, “Yes, I am bi and it is wonderful.” Keep being proud of who you are. The others will come around.
XOXOXOXOXOX
BLISS WARRIOR
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IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ENJOY READING:
ASK MISS BLISS - WHEN SHOULD A NEW BI-BI COUPLE BRING IN A BOY?
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LIVE WEBCHAT WITH BLISS WARRIOR NEXT TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28TH FROM 6-9 PST!
JOIN ME AT HOTEL BLISS IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM NEXT WEEK FOR FUN CONVERSATION, COMMUNITY AND SEXY SUPPORT. XOXOXOXOXO
Tags: coworkers, kissing
Posted in ASK MISS BLISS, BISEXUALITY, RELATIONSHIPS, SEX, Uncategorized, bi-boys, bi-phobia, bisexual, coming out, dating girls, web chat |
WHY I CREATED THIS BLOG
Written by Miss Bliss on October 7, 2008 – 9:10 am -“I finally wrote a blog that the straight girls hated. I always post my blogs in a couple of places - on my commercial site, myspace and this site, thisisby, for writers. As far as I can tell, the writer site is just straight folks, and because they are writers, they can be a bit snobby at times. I rarely get comments on any of my posts that deal with bisexuality (they like the blogs about vegetarianism) and if I do, it’s usually men who write. But after I posted my last blog, tons of comments from straight girls started flooding in and they were devastating. They didn’t just hate the post, they hated me.”
“What did you write about that got them so upset,” asks my luminous redheaded friend, Amanda.
“It was her post on can group sex get your guy to clean the house,” says Karin. I had emailed Karin a few days before when the negative comments started pouring in and she helped pull me out of a potential depression with a supportive email.
“What did they say,” Amanda asks.
“Well, I made the mistake of adding the sub-header, ‘A New Feminism’, to the post. The straight girls did NOT like that. They said things like, ‘This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read,’ ‘You would still have to ASK him to clean if a lover was coming over so this is not feminism,’ ‘you’re manipulating other women and that’s not feminist,’ and many more comments agreeing that my blog post was the most ridiculous and inane thing they had ever read.”
“Oh, honey,” Amanda says.
“The morning the comments started rolling in, I was devastated. There’s nothing worse than waking up, turning on your computer and then BAM! Hate pours out of the computer. I thought it was just a funny little light post. I had no idea the straight girls would get so upset.”
“Something in your post really threatened them,” says Karin, and a dark curl falls elegantly over one eye.
“I guess so,” I say as I sip my tea cooler. “The good side of all of this is it made me realize how safe the Bliss Warrior community has made me feel. When I first started this blog, I was very careful of the words I chose and how I described being bi because I wanted straight readers to feel unthreatened. After a year and a half of writing and having readers support the work, I forgot how vulnerable we bi-girls really are. The community made me feel protected and safe.”
“We aren’t safe,” says Karin.
“No,” I say. “But it is easier to expose ourselves when we have good friends who understand and can help us when we feel attacked. That is why I created this blog, so each day we could feel a little safer to be our true selves. That’s why all the negative comments I now see as a good thing. For the first time ever, I freaked out the straight girls and the experience reminded me to feel so much gratitude for the Bliss Warrior community.”
Our conversation moves away from the blog, and as I sip my tea in the Autumn sun, I am also grateful for the two beautiful bi friends I have made because of Bliss Warrior. I silently remind myself what a gift it is to belong to a community who loves you for who you are and supports you when the outside world is against you.
XOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
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I AM THINKING OF HAVING A BRUNCH IN LOS ANGELES ON SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19TH. LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AND IF THAT IS A GOOD DAY TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND MEET A BI-GIRL FRIEND.
Posted in BISEXUALITY, BLISSWARRIOR NEWS, bi-girls, bi-phobia, bisexual, bisexual girls, friends, meeting girls |