“I don’t think of myself as bi. I actually hate that word,” says Jenn, a stunning brunette with sky blue eyes. “I think I am just a very sensual person who loves sex.”
It is a cool Saturday afternoon in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and ten women have come together to share the stories they cannot tell their straight friends. I have not been to Albuquerque since the first brunch I hosted almost exactly a year ago to the day. When I first saw the fabulous Lacivia waiting for me outside the cafe, I hugged her tightly and thanked her for working so hard to create a community for bisexual women in New Mexico. “It’s a lot of hard work,” she said. “I know,” I said. “But brunches like these make all of the work so worthwhile.” Now, it is two hours into the brunch and we have brought three tables together to make sure everyone can talk and be heard.
“I don’t like the term bisexual, either,” says Nicole, a girl with cropped blond hair and a tattoo curled around her ear. “I consider myself to be ‘open’.”
“A lot of women who date men and women don’t like the term ‘bisexual’ because of the negative connotations,” I say. “But I think this is exactly why we need to reclaim the term as a form of empowerment, like the lesbians did with ‘dyke’ and the gay rights movement did with ‘queer’. If we do not take the label back, how are we supposed to find one another?”
“But when you say you are bisexual,” says Jenn, “it just is so gross. People think you’re slutty or into threesomes…”
“That’s why I like to say that a goal of Bliss Warrior is to take the sex out of bisexuality. By creating a bisexual community that is strong and vibrant, we can show our diversity. Bisexuals can and do have successful monogamous relationships. Bisexuals are not liars, or confused, or discontent in their relationships. They are not trashy girls who will jump into bed with just anybody. The problem is, if we all go around saying we are ‘beyond labels’, how do we create community and fight the negative stereotypes?”
“That is so interesting,” says Nicole. “I never thought of it in terms of bisexual culture. Whenever I heard ‘bisexual’, I always thought it was in terms of sex.”
“That’s what we are fighting. When we have no visibility or power, it’s easy for pornographers to define our culture,” I say. “There is an incorrect assumption that if you are bisexual, you are sleeping with men and women all the time. It is hard to admit you are bi to people who don’t get it, because the minute you say, ‘Yes, I am bisexual,’ you can almost see their minds wondering, ‘Oh, so you’re a swinger,’ or, ‘Oh, you must have orgies,’ or, ‘Oh, that means you’re an easy lay.’ They don’t react how we wish they would react. We know we are attracted to a person despite gender; we love who we love and it does not matter if it is a woman or a man.”
“As soon as you say you’re bi,” says Lacivia, “straights think you’re hitting on them and lesbians don’t trust you.”
“It is the lack of a bisexual community that makes us feel shame. If we just keep floating under a non-labeled identity, we continue to perpetuate the myth that we are either gay when we’re dating girls or straight when dating men,” I say. “I have a dear friend in Seattle who is ’straight’ when she’s with her heterosexual friends and ‘lesbian’ when she is out with her dyke friends. But she has no space to be her real self and few friends who understand who she really is.”
“That’s exactly how I have been,” says Nicole. “When I’m with the lesbians, I’m gay. I even came out as lesbian when I was in high school, but later on, I fell for a guy. So then I thought, maybe I’m straight? And I tried to be straight for awhile, but then I fell for a girl… Ultimately, I married a man and when I was pregnant with my son I felt – maybe due to the hormones – really heterosexual. I had no desire for women at all. But as soon as he was born, something changed and I said to my husband, ‘I want to go to Exhale and dance with girls!’”
The table laughs and the conversation turns to other topics. I take a moment to smile at Lacivia for creating a space where women can discuss these complicated issues and feel less alone.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
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DEAREST READERS – LIFE HAS BEEN VERY BUSY FOR ME LATELY SO I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO POST AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO. MORE BLOGS ON THE ALBUQUERQUE BRUNCH ARE COMING IN THE NEXT WEEK, SO STAY TUNED. ALSO, THANKS TO THE OVER 50 GIRLS WHO HAVE BEFRIENDED ME ON FACEBOOK. IF YOU ARE FEMALE AND WOULD LIKE TO JOIN THE PARTY, BECOME BLISS WARRIAR’S FRIEND BY CLICKING HERE. (PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS PAGE IS PRIVATE AND ONLY FRIENDS OF MINE CAN SEE IT.) IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CONNECT WITH OTHER ‘OPEN’ OR BI GIRLS, THIS IS THE PLACE TO GO. HOTEL BLISS IS STILL UP AND WORKING. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN OUR PRIVATE COMMUNITY FOR WOMEN, E-MAIL ME AT BLISS@BLISSWARRIOR.COM WITH A BRIEF NOTE EXPLAINING WHY YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN, AND I WILL SEND YOU AN INVITATION. XOXOXOXOXOXO
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READ ABOUT LAST YEAR’S BRUNCH IN ALBUQUERQUE BY CLICKING ON THIS LINK:
SHE’S A PERFECT GENTLEMAN AND SHE’S PACKIN’
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Beautifully said.
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Thank You Bliss! I had such a great time at the brunch. It was nice to finally meet you and your man’s show was fantastic! I feel fortunate to be associated with such a great group of strong women. I can’t wait til the next brunch- mayhaps I’ll have some great stories by then to share as well. Tons of love to you. peace, love and groovy, ‘Drea
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I wish we were there! I personally have alot to say on the subject as well…
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Such a wonderful dialogue on a complicated and frustrating topic… I have had so many of the same thoughts and experiences as were shared at the Albuquerque brunch. There is such miscomprehension of what it really means to be Bisexual, and there is a real lack of a strong community for those of us who are. Thank you so very much for creating a place where we can be ourselves! It’s like you said, darling Bliss, “We know we are attracted to a person despite gender; we love who we love and it does not matter if it is a woman or a man.” xoxoxoxo
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Ms. Bliss,
Thank you again for continuing to inspire and move me to keep going.
Much love,
Lacivia
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thanx for the post. really spoke to me. i have similar issues to the ladies in the brunch. i often want to go unlabeled because my desire ‘floats’ from one sex to the other.
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Very well said. Its hard to to shine so unique without the back lash. It’s hard to claim to be bi and still be held in high respect. I agree with Julie, thank you Bliss for giving us a place to to be loud and proud.
XOXO
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Thank-you for another wonderful post Bliss and especially for being a true WARRIOR in the most positive sense for all of us so often misunderstood bi women. I identified so strongly with so much said here–people do think of it more times than not only in terms of the sex–as opposed to we are women who are truly in touch with soul connections—we love who we love beyond mere gender identities. I feel the most advanced souls often do have a feeling of not truly “belonging” to any one group—because we belong to all. Now I’m off to facebook to befriend you there:-) Hugs and kisses~~xoxoxoxo P.S.—that question you had asked me about the backward progression of the Ages–I do believe it is from the movement of the heavens and constellations–haven’t been able to find any other explanation.
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nice blog girl! I love reading your writing. I recently watched MILK and it made me even more proud of what you set out to do. I can’t wait to see you again! xo, M
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Love this.
“It is the lack of a bisexual community that makes us feel shame. If we just keep floating under a non-labeled identity, we continue to perpetuate the myth that we are either gay when we’re dating girls or straight when dating men,” I say. “I have a dear friend in Seattle who is ’straight’ when she’s with her heterosexual friends and ‘lesbian’ when she is out with her dyke friends. But she has no space to be her real self and few friends who understand who she really is.”
I couldn’t agree more. My response, as written here:
This really resonated with me personally. I am extremely lucky to have a small community of close friends who are queer/bi (or genuine allies) to whom my bi-ness is visible. But I also still have heterosexual friends who I’m not yet out to, and belong to an LGBT student group to whom I’ve never outright declared myself. In contrast, the relief of being among people who really know who I am is palpable, liberating, and it binds me very tightly to those friends.
I’ve seen a couple of queer-identified people who have rejected the word “bisexual” discuss how they enjoy throwing people for a loop by refusing to identify as straight, gay or bi. I feel the opposite: I want people to be as little confused as possible. I want to be very clear about who I am in this regard. And so I very much agree with you that “floating under a non-labeled identity” makes us invisible.
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Awesome post. I so related to this. Sometimes I am tempted not to use the “B” word for those very reasons but then deep down I feel the same as you, that we should be able to reclaim it as part of our identities w.out it having negative conotations. it is difficult to tell people. I mean I am a pretty out person and I’m sure most of my friends would be surprised to hear me even say that i find it difficult to identify myself that way at times b/c I do. & yet I totally understand why some ppl don’t want to. I have a friend who refuses to refer to herself that way although she is attracted to both sexes. & I get it, why ppl would “not want to be labeled” when those labels have neg. conotations to most. But then to me not to label myself as what I am implies that I am ashamed of my sexuality. That’s just my own feelings, I am not judging anyone else’s reasons for not wanting to label themselves. But I spent a long time struggling w/ it…to be honest at times I still do, b/c I just feel it would be so much easier to be “straight” or “gay”. But I am not and I want to accept that. That’s why for me I find it imp. to say I am bisexual. When I was single, for many yrs I was really more interested in dating girls and I found it nearly impossible to find anyone to take me seriously if I said I was bi. I would either have girls trying to trick me into a 3some or not be taken seriously by lesbians. I found very few girls who were truly bisexual…and were open to having a monogomous relationship w/ another woman. I had one lesbian flat out refuse to date me w.out knowing a thing about me except I was bi. I went on another date once where the girl spent the entire date trying to talk me out of wanting to have a relationship exclusively w/ a woman lol…yet she was on a dating site which is where I’d met her. I mean I could go on and on. At one point I did call myself a lesbian but then felt it was not right so I started to say that I was bi but preferred women which was the truth really. But I still found it difficult to find like minded women(not saying I didn’t at all but it was just difficult). I honestly think that is why a lot of bisexual women end up w. men(the stereotype)…b/c it’s just harder to date women when you identify as bi…maybe that has changed in the last few yrs, I don’t know. I think maybe it is slowly. Ok I was going to write more about my current situation but I’ve already written a novel lol. Sorry. I am very glad you brought up this topic and I really hope to make your next NY brunch to discuss things like this in person! You rock, Bliss.
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