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“I told my friends I’m bi!” Melanie is smiling from ear to ear, and she is utterly adorable.
“That’s wonderful, sweetie,” I say, “What did they say?”
Melanie is a baby bigirl. Only a year before, this 23 year-old redhead discovered the joy of being with a girl. “You will not believe what Bethanie said.” Bethanie is Melanie’s best friend from college.
“What? Did she freak out?”
“Not at all! It ends up she’s bi, too!” Melanie is stirring her water and lime and I cannot take my eyes of her lace-framed cleavage.
“How long has she been bi?”
“For years.” Melanie looks up and smiles devilishly. “But she’s only kissed girls. She’s never gone all the way.”
“Did you tell her everything?”
“I told her I loved making a woman come.” Melanie is delighted that she is now the more decadent and experienced of the two friends.
“What did she say?”
“She wanted to hear every last detail, and it ends up most of our friends are at least bi-curious! Who knew?”
WHEN YOUR STRAIGHT FRIENDS FIND OUT
1. THE FREAK OUT
Some straight friends do not handle it well when you tell them you are bisexual. They get nervous that you will sleep with “anything that moves” and you are no longer trustworthy. If you are in a relationship with a man, they may be scared by the implication that you want to participate in group sex. In fact, the first question out of their mouth might just be, “So, what, you’re a swinger now?”
If your friend freaks out, you may want to avoid discussing sexual topics with her for awhile. Protect your fragile, just-coming-out bi-identity, and share it with those who will support you, ask you sincere questions, and love you for who you are. Give her time and love being your magnetic bi-self. She will see how amazing you are and will eventually want to know more.
2. SHE’S SAD YOU NEVER HIT ON HER
When I was in college and began coming out to my straight girl friends, one acted hurt personally. At first I did not understand why she was sulking and being critical of the girls I had chosen as lovers. One night, we split a pitcher of beer and truth began pouring out of her mouth. She was hurt that I had not tried to be with her sexually. How could we love each other so much if I loved other girls better than her?
It is hard for some straight girls to understand that being bisexual does not mean that you want to sleep with all of your female friends. Explain to her that being a bigirl means that you are open to a connection with a man or a woman. This means you are attracted to the person first, and gender second. Remind her that just because she is straight does not mean she wants to sleep with every man she has ever met. Bigirls are just as picky as straight girls when it comes to picking a lover, and I would even argue that many bigirls are pickier!
3. SHE WANTS YOU TO “TURN” HER
Most girls are bi-curious. When you tell a girl you are bi, you discover just how many women are out there right now fantasizing about loving girls, and many of them are your straight friends! The downside to a girl knowing that you have been with women, is that she may want you to be her first girl. She may be hurt or confused when you express that you do not want to sleep with her because of the friendship, or that you do not feel an attraction to her. Reach out to her and take her out to a lesbian bar. Maybe the two of you can meet girls together that way.
4. SHE’S BI, TOO
Finally, you two can sit on top of a down comforter, with mugs of steaming tea, and share all of your adventures. How wonderful that you finally came out to her so she could come out to you.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOX
BLISS WARRIOR
PS. Thanks to the wonderful Bell for finding this image!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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There is one reaction you didn’t mention. I went out with a circle of friends last night who are wonderfully open and free-thinking. There were gay boys and straight couples and even one girl who has made no secret of the fact that she is bi-curious. So, when one of the lovely boys asked if I was a lesbian, I said “No, I’m bi.” I felt that if any group could handle it, this group could. And they were all fabulously supportive and accepting. With one exception. The girl who is bi-curious. She spent the rest of the night challenging my sexuality. Trying to prove that I had never been with a woman, denying that I could actually be bi, looking at me like she smelled something foul.
I asked another lady later why she was so horrible to me. After some time talking, we agreed that I stole her thunder. Being bi-curious was her “unique trait”. What made her “the racy one” in the circle. Whether she is actually bi or not remains a mystery, but she was certainly angry with me for coming out. She left early without saying goodbye to anyone.
I’m sad that I upset her. I would have thought she would have been happy to meet another bigirl. Any thoughts on this. . .a different take?
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2 tales…
a not-so-best friend:
this is an awkward, not so flattering account of my first “3some”.
a couple years ago, a close childhood friend (that i’d grown up riding horses with…we were VERYYYYY close) called me and invited me to her new house she was sharing with her new boyfriend, who was much older than her (he was 30…she was 18). i went over to her new place and was delighted to see how much she’d grown up since the last time we’d seen each other. she had developed into the most stunning young woman you’d ever seen. i was totally floored, and very attracted to her. we’d never shared any previous sexual encounters though, so i shared a bottle of saki with her for what it was…a drink between two friends. her boyfriend kept serving us round after round of shots, beers, and blunts, and by the time i was ready for bed, i could barely see my feet. she led me to their room and put me to bed, in their tempurpedic bed! needless to say, i passed out cold the second my head hit that foam pillow. when i awoke, someone was grabbing feverishly at my chest and pussy. it startled the shit out of me. i took a moment to collect my thoughts and tried desperately to remember where i was and who i was with. i was tickled pink when i heard my friend’s voice coo’ing “fuck me!” in my ear, but was totally startled when i discovered it was her boyfriend’s hands on my body while he was stratling her from behind. the whole situation totally freaked me out and i kissed her sweetly, then asked to be excused from their love parade.
the next morning i talked with her and explained that had things been different, i would have gladly offered her my services…they just went about “inviting” me in totally the wrong way.
so i guess my sweetness paid off because she began dedicating more and more time to our friendship, making her boyfriend feel insecure and left out. even though we were spending time together platonically, he was CONVINCED that she was cheating on him with me because of the sexual energy she showed me that night. finally, after a year of him accusing us of sleeping together, she kissed me. i was dropping her off back at home and she said she didn’t give a fuck about him anymore, and grabbed my face and kissed me like i’d never been kissed before.
but then, in the end…her selfishness drove me away from her and my dog ended up biting her in the face because she was acting like a mad woman. =(
needless to say, the whole experience left a sour taste in my mouth. i haven’t climbed into any girl’s beds since that one night……….
a best friend:
when i was growing up, i’d always had my first experiences with girls. first kiss, first “body study” and grope sesh, first finger sesh…all with girls. i just never got lucky enough to go all the way. even for being so young, those memories are the most passionate, loving ones i have (when it comes to phsyical love and attraction). but in middle school i began to feel really guilty and self-loathing because of my girl-on-girl past. i remember always throwing comments out there like, “that chick is banging” or “i’d do her” because i was always such a tomboy, and because it felt right…but i began to feel like something was very wrong with me when my brother kept saying, “dude, quit talking like that! you sound gay! are you gay?”
so one day, after all us little girlies started getting boyfriends and going our seperate ways, i came out to a dear, stirctly platonic, girl friend of mine…i remember telling her…”i think i’m bi. and i want to die. i really want to shoot myself in the head.” really. that’s what i said. and she looked at me, with heartfelt sincerity and said, “really? that’s different! but please don’t hurt yourself…because no matter what your sexual preference is, i still love you and always will. just don’t try to sleep with me!” that was in 8th grade and that girl is now my roomate. we’ve never once shared a drunken kiss or a late night cuddle (despite my valiant efforts to try to get her to save the hot water and shower with me!), yet she’s been right by my side through my darkest of hours, and highest of tides, and has never faultered as a friend. if it weren’t for her calm understanding and positive reinforcement, i really do not know where i would be today.
i thank god for good friends. i have found a new understanding of my own sexuality and a new respect for the friendships that i have been fortunate enough to obtain that respect my status as a comfortable and outgoing, bicurious young woman.
even better are the friendships that exclude sex, usually. there is no love like the love of sisters.
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what a lucky girl you are to have a friend like her! Kudos to you both!
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Hello Bliss,
I just finished reading your blog “When straight friends find out”. I have been best friends with someone for a few months. We are so much alike, it’s freaky. I kind of knew she was bi or bi-curious because she said things and was kind of giving me hints that she was. So, I finally came out and told her that I was a couple of days ago. So anyway, she tells me “I knew you were but I didn’t want to push it”.
So then she tells me she was bi also, and had a couple of experiences in college. LOL! It was so funny because neither of us had the courage to tell eachother that we were bi until then. Anyway, we talked it all out, and I told her about my experiences also. I am so glad that I finally told her and she finally told me.
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it is really weird to me that i am reading this.. because this blog in particular struck me as a reality check… i have been bi-curious since.. i can remember. i remember telling my best friends (2 girls) over pizza that i was bi-curious. they were kinda excited at the fact that i trusted them enough to tell them, moreso than the fact of me being bi-curious… and what i got from one of them was..” ew just dont try to get with us..” and i said,” well you guys are my friends and i am not attracted to you that way” that is so weird how i was so young .. maybe 12 or so,, and i was so sure of my sexuality…. and i am still a “bi-virgin” ( which is sad but true… ) .. and kissed girls, etc. but anywho this is not a story of my life.. hehe toodles. and cheers to all beautiful women out there..
(p.s. add me if you are in cali.. or anywhere else…)
adriana
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I have been very insecure about ” coming out” to anyone. I have loved females and dreamt of them since I could remember. Maybe as early as the early as ten years old. Due to my experiences early on with other girls, it has made me not vey forthcoming about my sexuality to others until really recently. For example: When I was about 13 years old, I kissed a girl for the first time. In retrospect, I think we only kissed because we found that common ground of liking girls. She was the niece of a friend of the family. Somehow, her aunt got wind of what happened and was appalled by what she heard. Needless to say the shame and embarrassment sat with me for years. It made me feel ” tainted” or somehow evil because I find members of the same sex attractive.
So when I finally ” came out” (which I didn’t refer to it as such, because at the time I though that ” coming out” was strictly for gays) to my very best friend with whom I trusted everything with, I was surprised at the cold reaction I got. She felt suddenly weird around me. Maybe she thought I was trying to come onto her. To this day I am not sure. It hurt me deeply because I couldn’t really divulge all the details of that part of my life in which I was truly embracing.
An incident which I have never talked about openly with anyone , due to the sheer embarrassment and hurt really threw me for a loop….
When I was 19 years old, I was introduced to a very sensual and beautiful woman. After some time, we grew closer and our relationship blossomed. This was my first real relationship with a woman. She was a bit older than me and had a child, but I was fine with that. We went out alot and my friends enjoyed her company. She was kind of flirtatious with men, but that didn’t bother me. However, one night at a mutual friend’s house, I introduced her to my best friend whom which had issues with my sexuality.
Everything seemed fine and they seemed to hit it off great, which eased my fears. As the night wore on, things started to change, I was sitting playing cards with some friends, slowly getting tipsy off my cocktail, and I notice that my seemingly attractive best friend is sitting on my girlfriend’s lap and makes no bones about flirting with her. The others who were at the table looked from her to me…..me to her as if to say ” Aren’t you going to do something about this?” Instead I froze up, unaware of how to deal with this situation. I felt weak. All I could think about was how my best friend was more attractive than me and there was nothing I could do to stop her antics. Not only was I hurt by her actions, I was humiliated as a woman. Needless to say that neither is no longer in my life. I have had some meaningful, yet short friendships that I would have liked to progress into something more. I have reverted back into my shell of insecurity. I still feel like I won’t be accepted for the person I am and not the stereotype of what a bigiril should be. I no longer feel like a sexual and deserving being. Being open in the past with the most important people for the most part has been disastrous. I just hope one day I can be as carefree and embrace who I really am.
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